Let's just say that the last few months have been confusing, and challenging, and just straight up rough.
So up until today I've been looking for jobs on campus, thinking shit would work itself out and since now I am like 99% certain that is not the case I decided to check out the craigslist ads for work. This is not the first time I've done this, I mean I'm not living in a total fantasy land so I like to keep on the up and up about what's out there, but this is the first time that I have looked really seriously at it.
I had no idea how horribly sad it would make me to think that I've spent all this time trying to work toward something else, something that didn't make me want to crawl into a hole and die, only to be looking at the want ads for the same shit I've done for years. The shit that drained me of my soul.
I know, so dramatic, but fuck. I didn't give up everything and move away and cause all kinds of drama just to do the same thing I was doing before I left, but right now that is probably my most viable option. And since it is tax season, there is shit out there.
So I will brush the tears aside, brush up my resume, and hit up the salvation army for some respectable clothes, because right now it looks like all those years I spent telling people that an education would make no difference in my life, well, it looks like maybe I was right.
4 units away from a lame education (that has actually been the highlight of my life, but what good does that do my poor ass?) and I am on the verge of being without a degree and looking to go right back where I started, except homeless and dogless and the enemy of my family.
If I had just stayed where I was, maybe my mom would get to keep her house. Maybe I wouldn't have to give up my dogs (who are like children to me,) and maybe I wouldn't have had to put my son through two years of making friends just to rip him away from them.
Maybe the people who said that I was just being stupid and selfish by coming here were right. Probably they were.
So fine, you guys win. For now, but don't doubt for a second that I won't keep fighting.
3 comments:
Hi Ms. Nico! I'm so excited to see you blog :) (YAY! I hope your "back") I initially found your blog about 4 months ago searching for single moms at UCB- and wah-lah here was your blog. I got kinda sad to see that your blogs ended last summer :( Anyhow, just wanted to let you know I'm happy to see blogging.
Okay, so my first comment was clearly before I got a chance to actually read your latest entry.
First off I'm really sorry you find yourself at this juncture in your life. I can imagine how discouraging it might be- not to mention the thought of all the I-told-you-so's that are just waiting for you from family and friends. Homelessness is definitely not fun (I'm recently getting thru it myself), there are government programs (ie social services) that will help get you somewhere stable if at least temporarily.
For what its worth, I want to let you know that YOU and YOUR STORY has been a direct inspiration to me. I grew up in Oakland and always dreamed of going to Berkeley, but life happens and here I am 28 years old with 2 kids in Garden Grove. Just a few months ago I got this crazy idea "what if I could go back to school?". I googled 'single mom Berkeley' and here was YOUR blog. PROOF that it could be done. After reading the ups and downs you've gone through- I was totally convinced that I TOO could do it (kids and all). And while I'm merely at the beginning of my loong journey, YOU have damm near finished yours. PLEASE DONT GIVE UP (not that I expect you would) but quite honestly F*CK the WORLD (or at least those in the world that are against your dream) LOL
My kids are already so absolutely intrigued with "mom" going to school too. I promise that your son will gain so much from your experience in this process. If nothing else, he KNOWS it can be done, because MOM DID IT! It is an everlasting accomplishment to have instilled in our children that they CAN dream and they CAN do better. And I believe its worth more than any money-paying job. Even homelessness has its lessons. I tell you this much, my kids are much more grateful for our everyday blessings now.
Sorry for the huuge response. Just wanted to offer some encouragement. I think you're AWESOME for coming this far. I can only HOPE & PRAY that I am just as successful in my quest for a "higher" education.
I hope things start to look up for you. Either way, I hope you keep blogging :)
((HUGS))
Right there with you. Its hard to have to leave this place AND leave my degree here with it! Especially when there is nothing and no one to go back to. Nothing and no one to pat you on the back for almost making it.
Anyhoo... sorry to hear about your dogs. I know how much you were looking forward to going home to them. Hopefully things will turn around for your mom and you'll still be able to!
Love ya.
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