I have neglected this blog. In my defense... I've been really busy, and also very depressed, and no one wants to hear about that.
So I should really be writing my final papers and studying for my one final exam, but the truth is that I am just not feeling it. I can't write. Not a single thing. I'm overwhelmed and feeling this bitter-sweet feeling that can only come from being close enough to the finish line that I can actually have nightmares about it.
I will be graduating from Cal in May. I have my classes lined up. I am planning the move back to SoCal. I will get to see my dogs in June, that's just a few months away and instead of thinking of final papers and exams I'm thinking of walks on the beach with the puppies and taking the longboard out and kicking my feet in the cold pacific ocean.
I took a walk earlier around my neighborhood and I was overcome with this sadness. I have to leave this place soon, and I don't think I'm ready. It's become such a huge part of who I am. My experience here has changed me in ways that I never thought it would. It has damaged me in ways that I never thought it would as well, and I feel a great loss because of it. In a way though, the loss is balanced by the way that I am able to feel like I understand myself better, and I am able to understand the relationships that I've found myself in, and out of, over the years as being so important in the way that I view myself and my place in this crazy, fucked up world.
I've got stuff to do, but I'm not done here. Not yet.
