When I started this blog it was partly to raise money to be able to move to Berkeley and partly to document what happened once I arrived.
Never did it occur to me that there were more of me. Never did I think that there was going to be this extensive community of mothers that had suffered, struggled, succeeded, and surpassed all expectations of "what they should have been."
I never once thought that "at my age" I would go to some university and actually make friends, and I never once thought that the friends I would make would be this network of people that really are more than a network and more than "just" friends. I think, as I near the end of my struggle through undergraduate academia and near the beginning of a new struggle altogether, I think that I was pretty blind to think that the mamas of the world couldn't do this, that they wouldn't be here. I think that I was brought up to assume that single mamas just don't go to college, they don't do smart shit with their lives. And I also think that my being taught that was no mistake, and no misunderstanding, and that it was deliberate, and that it still happens to young mamas every single day. I also think we should try to fix that shit.
As soon as we realize that they, "they," whoever the fuck "they" are have no say in our real lives, the better off we are.
I should be doing my homework. It's just that I'm so full of emotion lately. The notion of leaving here, with nowhere to go, except of course the homes of the women here who are willing to take me in... it just twists my head up in all kinds of different Foulcauldian ways. I love the love, but I hate "the system" even more now than I did when I was a teen-aged anarchist. That's life, I suppose.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Late night babble.
I have a lot of things that I could complain about.
That's not what I'm going to do right now, I could, but I'm not going to.
Instead I want to talk about how amazing my mama family is. I have been so damn lucky for the last 11 years. Since first finding a family through Hipmama and since then finding my Cal family of mamas, I just feel like even though the universe has us pegged as miscreants, losers, and statistics we have built up this network of awesomeness that is a force to be reckoned with. In the course of my son's life I have been lucky enough to cross paths with some of the most wonderful, talented, creative, strong, beautiful, amazing women and the kinds of children that I would be grateful to have in places of power.
Some of us are hurting right now, myself included, because of the ways in which the systems in place, political, economic, societal, cultural, and educational, are set up to see us fail... yet we still thrive and survive. Like a good mama friend of mine keeps saying, the fact that we are breathing is counter hegemonic. That's not good enough for me though.
I want to see a movement that is powerful. I want to see us challenge the systems that are in place and take that shit over. I want to see us take over, and to see our children take over, and to see us use our ability to create meaningful and powerful networks in ways that allow for imagining new ways of life for us and our families.
Maybe it's the insomnia talking, or maybe there are just too many of us for it to make sense that we sit by and watch time drift past us while we could be changing the world.
Where do we start? Who's with me?
That's not what I'm going to do right now, I could, but I'm not going to.
Instead I want to talk about how amazing my mama family is. I have been so damn lucky for the last 11 years. Since first finding a family through Hipmama and since then finding my Cal family of mamas, I just feel like even though the universe has us pegged as miscreants, losers, and statistics we have built up this network of awesomeness that is a force to be reckoned with. In the course of my son's life I have been lucky enough to cross paths with some of the most wonderful, talented, creative, strong, beautiful, amazing women and the kinds of children that I would be grateful to have in places of power.
Some of us are hurting right now, myself included, because of the ways in which the systems in place, political, economic, societal, cultural, and educational, are set up to see us fail... yet we still thrive and survive. Like a good mama friend of mine keeps saying, the fact that we are breathing is counter hegemonic. That's not good enough for me though.
I want to see a movement that is powerful. I want to see us challenge the systems that are in place and take that shit over. I want to see us take over, and to see our children take over, and to see us use our ability to create meaningful and powerful networks in ways that allow for imagining new ways of life for us and our families.
Maybe it's the insomnia talking, or maybe there are just too many of us for it to make sense that we sit by and watch time drift past us while we could be changing the world.
Where do we start? Who's with me?
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Flip... flops...
Nope, not just the weather kids (although the weather has been quite lovely too.)
I am going to graduate after all. May 21st is the big day. I will somehow get enough money to rent the damn cap and gown and send out some announcements and deal with all of my family being here at the same time and it will be awesome. (?)
I have been doing a tag team job search with my lovely friend and fellow Cal victim who has been staying with me, and we have high hopes for figuring this crap out.
In the meantime we are both trying not to shave our heads. It's really interesting how hair can play such a huge role in a person's life. It can totally control a person.
Speaking of things that can control a person, I am going to be writing a paper for my class on controlling processes about the counter hegemonic ways that single mothers at UC Berkeley form community and alternative families as a way to get through all this and survive beyond.
So come May I will officially be a Cal grad. I may also be homeless, so if you know anyone that wants to give me a job go ahead and send them my way!
All of my music is depressing. Of course that's okay, because like I said to my roomie earlier, no one wants to hear about happy shit. People want to hear about how you have clawed your way out of the goddamned gutter with no claws. Well I clipped my nails earlier tonight kids, and I'm on my way out of this gutter if it's the last thing I do.
I am going to graduate after all. May 21st is the big day. I will somehow get enough money to rent the damn cap and gown and send out some announcements and deal with all of my family being here at the same time and it will be awesome. (?)
I have been doing a tag team job search with my lovely friend and fellow Cal victim who has been staying with me, and we have high hopes for figuring this crap out.
In the meantime we are both trying not to shave our heads. It's really interesting how hair can play such a huge role in a person's life. It can totally control a person.
Speaking of things that can control a person, I am going to be writing a paper for my class on controlling processes about the counter hegemonic ways that single mothers at UC Berkeley form community and alternative families as a way to get through all this and survive beyond.
So come May I will officially be a Cal grad. I may also be homeless, so if you know anyone that wants to give me a job go ahead and send them my way!
All of my music is depressing. Of course that's okay, because like I said to my roomie earlier, no one wants to hear about happy shit. People want to hear about how you have clawed your way out of the goddamned gutter with no claws. Well I clipped my nails earlier tonight kids, and I'm on my way out of this gutter if it's the last thing I do.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Reflection... it's not always about the mirror.
8 years ago today I tossed my grandmother's ashes into the pacific ocean. It was windy. My mother was in a wheelchair and high on painkillers and I was a drunken mess.
Not much has changed, except that nothing at all is the same.
It killed me to read that post again, because man I am in such a darker place right now, and my self back then would never have even thought that what I've been doing the last few years would have even been a possibility. It's all about perspective. Time and space and reflection.
Cheers gramma <3
As of now it looks like the thesis probably won't happen. It looks like I am going to have to withdraw from this semester and hope for a do-over next year. And that would be okay. I think maybe I just need to catch my breath.
Not much has changed, except that nothing at all is the same.
It killed me to read that post again, because man I am in such a darker place right now, and my self back then would never have even thought that what I've been doing the last few years would have even been a possibility. It's all about perspective. Time and space and reflection.
Cheers gramma <3
As of now it looks like the thesis probably won't happen. It looks like I am going to have to withdraw from this semester and hope for a do-over next year. And that would be okay. I think maybe I just need to catch my breath.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
March 4th 2010
Technically, this is all happening later today, but let's pretend that my insomnia does not exist and just talk about it all like it's happening tomorrow...
The Strike. The big one. State wide. It was personal before, but now it's like really, really personal. I mean my professors that canceled classes in support of this very strike talk about the very things that are making my life hell and a half right now. They talk about them as though they are things that will make trouble for future generations, but the reality is that it is my future, and my son's future that is at stake here, in addition to all of the others that may never have a chance at getting to this space where I have found myself.
So tomorrow, March 4th, we will rally and march in Berkeley, Sacramento, SF, Davis, UCLA, and all the others. We will make an attempt to show the state and the world that we will not put up with the continued privatization and corporatization of the UC system and we will not just sit back and watch California public schools from K-University levels be stripped of the diversity and accessibility that we not only expect, but deserve.
I know that the cuts and fee hikes that I have to deal with won't go away, but if we can change anything about the direction that the system is headed in, then it is more than worth it for me to get out there with so many others and make our voices heard.
http://www.facebook.com/#!/event.php?eid=190712843977&index=1
Do what you can, speak up. Apathy and silence is acceptance.
The Strike. The big one. State wide. It was personal before, but now it's like really, really personal. I mean my professors that canceled classes in support of this very strike talk about the very things that are making my life hell and a half right now. They talk about them as though they are things that will make trouble for future generations, but the reality is that it is my future, and my son's future that is at stake here, in addition to all of the others that may never have a chance at getting to this space where I have found myself.
So tomorrow, March 4th, we will rally and march in Berkeley, Sacramento, SF, Davis, UCLA, and all the others. We will make an attempt to show the state and the world that we will not put up with the continued privatization and corporatization of the UC system and we will not just sit back and watch California public schools from K-University levels be stripped of the diversity and accessibility that we not only expect, but deserve.
I know that the cuts and fee hikes that I have to deal with won't go away, but if we can change anything about the direction that the system is headed in, then it is more than worth it for me to get out there with so many others and make our voices heard.
http://www.facebook.com/#!/event.php?eid=190712843977&index=1
Do what you can, speak up. Apathy and silence is acceptance.
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