Hey, Melissa Alvarez, this blog's for you!

So the other night I was pretty freaked out man. It was a shock to the system, and one that came at me after 3 days of very little sleep, a stressed out boy that was sad that we were moving back to SoCal, and of course, the stress of school, and life.

Turns out, (as always) the things that seem like setbacks and total chaos and destruction are actually little signals that tell me I was going the wrong way.

So just a day later I feel better than ever, and though nothing is certain at the moment, I feel like my game plan just might work. And if it does, then I will be leaving here maybe a year later than planned, but with honors and ready for anything :)

Had a good long talk with mom tonight too. And I will be able to sleep tonight knowing that everything is going to work out, or at least we will all try our hardest to make it so.

And Melissa, if you want to be inspired, there are a ton of us single mamas working this UC Berkeley world. Some of the most amazing people on the planet are mama students right here. My neighbors and friends. I'm lucky to have them, and I hope you come join us :)

A new day...

So I've slept on it. Which means next to nothing, but it does mean that I actually got more than 3 hours of sleep for a change and everything seems maybe just a little less awful than it did yesterday.


I keep wondering if maybe instead of boo-hoo-ing about all of this I can maybe convince my major adviser that I should stay an extra year to do an honors thesis...? It is a year long program, and I have the gpa to do it, so maybe?

Of course, I'd need a topic... and a professor to sponsor me.

This could work.

I will make it work.

I always do :)

How quickly things can change...

Let's just say that the last few months have been confusing, and challenging, and just straight up rough.

So up until today I've been looking for jobs on campus, thinking shit would work itself out and since now I am like 99% certain that is not the case I decided to check out the craigslist ads for work. This is not the first time I've done this, I mean I'm not living in a total fantasy land so I like to keep on the up and up about what's out there, but this is the first time that I have looked really seriously at it.

I had no idea how horribly sad it would make me to think that I've spent all this time trying to work toward something else, something that didn't make me want to crawl into a hole and die, only to be looking at the want ads for the same shit I've done for years. The shit that drained me of my soul.

I know, so dramatic, but fuck. I didn't give up everything and move away and cause all kinds of drama just to do the same thing I was doing before I left, but right now that is probably my most viable option. And since it is tax season, there is shit out there.

So I will brush the tears aside, brush up my resume, and hit up the salvation army for some respectable clothes, because right now it looks like all those years I spent telling people that an education would make no difference in my life, well, it looks like maybe I was right.

4 units away from a lame education (that has actually been the highlight of my life, but what good does that do my poor ass?) and I am on the verge of being without a degree and looking to go right back where I started, except homeless and dogless and the enemy of my family.


If I had just stayed where I was, maybe my mom would get to keep her house. Maybe I wouldn't have to give up my dogs (who are like children to me,) and maybe I wouldn't have had to put my son through two years of making friends just to rip him away from them.


Maybe the people who said that I was just being stupid and selfish by coming here were right. Probably they were.

So fine, you guys win. For now, but don't doubt for a second that I won't keep fighting.