Flip... flops...

Nope, not just the weather kids (although the weather has been quite lovely too.)

I am going to graduate after all. May 21st is the big day. I will somehow get enough money to rent the damn cap and gown and send out some announcements and deal with all of my family being here at the same time and it will be awesome. (?)

I have been doing a tag team job search with my lovely friend and fellow Cal victim who has been staying with me, and we have high hopes for figuring this crap out.

In the meantime we are both trying not to shave our heads. It's really interesting how hair can play such a huge role in a person's life. It can totally control a person.

Speaking of things that can control a person, I am going to be writing a paper for my class on controlling processes about the counter hegemonic ways that single mothers at UC Berkeley form community and alternative families as a way to get through all this and survive beyond.

So come May I will officially be a Cal grad. I may also be homeless, so if you know anyone that wants to give me a job go ahead and send them my way!

All of my music is depressing. Of course that's okay, because like I said to my roomie earlier, no one wants to hear about happy shit. People want to hear about how you have clawed your way out of the goddamned gutter with no claws. Well I clipped my nails earlier tonight kids, and I'm on my way out of this gutter if it's the last thing I do.

Reflection... it's not always about the mirror.

8 years ago today I tossed my grandmother's ashes into the pacific ocean. It was windy. My mother was in a wheelchair and high on painkillers and I was a drunken mess.

Not much has changed, except that nothing at all is the same.

It killed me to read that post again, because man I am in such a darker place right now, and my self back then would never have even thought that what I've been doing the last few years would have even been a possibility. It's all about perspective. Time and space and reflection.

Cheers gramma <3


As of now it looks like the thesis probably won't happen. It looks like I am going to have to withdraw from this semester and hope for a do-over next year. And that would be okay. I think maybe I just need to catch my breath.

March 4th 2010

Technically, this is all happening later today, but let's pretend that my insomnia does not exist and just talk about it all like it's happening tomorrow...

The Strike. The big one. State wide. It was personal before, but now it's like really, really personal. I mean my professors that canceled classes in support of this very strike talk about the very things that are making my life hell and a half right now. They talk about them as though they are things that will make trouble for future generations, but the reality is that it is my future, and my son's future that is at stake here, in addition to all of the others that may never have a chance at getting to this space where I have found myself.

So tomorrow, March 4th, we will rally and march in Berkeley, Sacramento, SF, Davis, UCLA, and all the others. We will make an attempt to show the state and the world that we will not put up with the continued privatization and corporatization of the UC system and we will not just sit back and watch California public schools from K-University levels be stripped of the diversity and accessibility that we not only expect, but deserve.

I know that the cuts and fee hikes that I have to deal with won't go away, but if we can change anything about the direction that the system is headed in, then it is more than worth it for me to get out there with so many others and make our voices heard.

http://www.facebook.com/#!/event.php?eid=190712843977&index=1

Do what you can, speak up. Apathy and silence is acceptance.

Hey, Melissa Alvarez, this blog's for you!

So the other night I was pretty freaked out man. It was a shock to the system, and one that came at me after 3 days of very little sleep, a stressed out boy that was sad that we were moving back to SoCal, and of course, the stress of school, and life.

Turns out, (as always) the things that seem like setbacks and total chaos and destruction are actually little signals that tell me I was going the wrong way.

So just a day later I feel better than ever, and though nothing is certain at the moment, I feel like my game plan just might work. And if it does, then I will be leaving here maybe a year later than planned, but with honors and ready for anything :)

Had a good long talk with mom tonight too. And I will be able to sleep tonight knowing that everything is going to work out, or at least we will all try our hardest to make it so.

And Melissa, if you want to be inspired, there are a ton of us single mamas working this UC Berkeley world. Some of the most amazing people on the planet are mama students right here. My neighbors and friends. I'm lucky to have them, and I hope you come join us :)

A new day...

So I've slept on it. Which means next to nothing, but it does mean that I actually got more than 3 hours of sleep for a change and everything seems maybe just a little less awful than it did yesterday.


I keep wondering if maybe instead of boo-hoo-ing about all of this I can maybe convince my major adviser that I should stay an extra year to do an honors thesis...? It is a year long program, and I have the gpa to do it, so maybe?

Of course, I'd need a topic... and a professor to sponsor me.

This could work.

I will make it work.

I always do :)

How quickly things can change...

Let's just say that the last few months have been confusing, and challenging, and just straight up rough.

So up until today I've been looking for jobs on campus, thinking shit would work itself out and since now I am like 99% certain that is not the case I decided to check out the craigslist ads for work. This is not the first time I've done this, I mean I'm not living in a total fantasy land so I like to keep on the up and up about what's out there, but this is the first time that I have looked really seriously at it.

I had no idea how horribly sad it would make me to think that I've spent all this time trying to work toward something else, something that didn't make me want to crawl into a hole and die, only to be looking at the want ads for the same shit I've done for years. The shit that drained me of my soul.

I know, so dramatic, but fuck. I didn't give up everything and move away and cause all kinds of drama just to do the same thing I was doing before I left, but right now that is probably my most viable option. And since it is tax season, there is shit out there.

So I will brush the tears aside, brush up my resume, and hit up the salvation army for some respectable clothes, because right now it looks like all those years I spent telling people that an education would make no difference in my life, well, it looks like maybe I was right.

4 units away from a lame education (that has actually been the highlight of my life, but what good does that do my poor ass?) and I am on the verge of being without a degree and looking to go right back where I started, except homeless and dogless and the enemy of my family.


If I had just stayed where I was, maybe my mom would get to keep her house. Maybe I wouldn't have to give up my dogs (who are like children to me,) and maybe I wouldn't have had to put my son through two years of making friends just to rip him away from them.


Maybe the people who said that I was just being stupid and selfish by coming here were right. Probably they were.

So fine, you guys win. For now, but don't doubt for a second that I won't keep fighting.

Neglect.

I have neglected this blog. In my defense... I've been really busy, and also very depressed, and no one wants to hear about that.

So I should really be writing my final papers and studying for my one final exam, but the truth is that I am just not feeling it. I can't write. Not a single thing. I'm overwhelmed and feeling this bitter-sweet feeling that can only come from being close enough to the finish line that I can actually have nightmares about it.

I will be graduating from Cal in May. I have my classes lined up. I am planning the move back to SoCal. I will get to see my dogs in June, that's just a few months away and instead of thinking of final papers and exams I'm thinking of walks on the beach with the puppies and taking the longboard out and kicking my feet in the cold pacific ocean.

I took a walk earlier around my neighborhood and I was overcome with this sadness. I have to leave this place soon, and I don't think I'm ready. It's become such a huge part of who I am. My experience here has changed me in ways that I never thought it would. It has damaged me in ways that I never thought it would as well, and I feel a great loss because of it. In a way though, the loss is balanced by the way that I am able to feel like I understand myself better, and I am able to understand the relationships that I've found myself in, and out of, over the years as being so important in the way that I view myself and my place in this crazy, fucked up world.

I've got stuff to do, but I'm not done here. Not yet.