Oh the bay...

The bay area that is, Berkeley in particular. I LOVE IT. I do. I have made some super amazing friends, the kind that make you feel good about just being alive, just by being near them. The kind you want to sort of rub up against so that you can get a little of what they have. The kind that light up rooms.

I went to a little dinner party tonight that was thrown by a couple of them. Dasan and I just dig them! And while the people are awesome, even the walk to the BART station was lovely... the whole neighborhood smelled like the most wonderful flowers. And even the BART ride was awesome! We looked out at the lights of the houses and the moon and the stars and both Dasan and I were just talking about how much we like it here. How it just feels good to be here.

I never thought I could love a place that didn't have a beach, but I guess I was wrong.


My mom always said that I used to tell her when I was like 2 years old that I wanted to dye my hair black and run away to San Francisco, turns out the whole time I needed to bleach my hair blonde and run away to Berkeley.

Just try to love the life around you...

I have been sick.
Dasan has returned from DC.

I want to fill in all the details, but most of it's just heard through the grapevine anyway.

Truth be told, I need to write more. I used to write every single day - good stuff too. At some point I lost my teenage/early 20's angst and got all wrapped up in being a mom and a student and an employee and all that and I lost one of the things that I loved, that I was good at, that made me always feel better and more connected to who I AM.

Maybe what I wrote was sad or nostalgic or depressing or hopeful, but it was MINE, for me, and it worked. I would watch some dramatic indy film or listen to some sad song for hours and then I would sob and sob and get it all OUT.

I think that's why I've been sick. Those feelings are poison. Better poison on a page than in my space.

So that's my goal. I'm going to get a new notebook, oh yes that's write, I'm talking about actual paper and pen, and I am going to fill it up.

Sleeplessness...

When I was still in community college I took a creative writing class. Our final was to turn in a chapbook.

In mine, the dedication was a Vonnegut quote.

It read: "A purpose in human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love whoever is around to be loved."

It was from his book, The Sirens of Titan.

I think I want that as one of my next tattoos. I already have one Vonnegut tattoo, but in this case I think getting a second would be just fine.

Dear Blog...

Lately, I can't sleep very well. I am moving soon. I still don't have a real job.

I sit here, late at night, surrounded sometimes by amazing friends, and sometimes only by the white picket fence that was provided to me for two years by the university housing. My two years are UP and they were not shy about letting me know.

Dasan's trip is looking good. We have a place to live all lined up.

I still just want a sunny beach somewhere...and a board to surf on. The waves don't even have to be all that good, as long as the weather is nice...

Peek-a-boo

I was in hiding there for a bit, apologies. After taking a break from the blog for a week or so, I have realized that the reality is that even though there are people out there that want to paint me as a monster, the truth is that I have nothing to hide.

I start Monday working as an assistant to a professor at UC Berkeley. It is only a few hours a week, but it will be fun and I can do it from home. In addition to that I had a job interview that went well today and I have my fingers crossed that It will work out.

I have purchased Dasan's ticket for his DC conference and it wiped me out, but I have faith that I can make it all work. Of course, as you know I am not opposed to asking for help ;)

The program is not entirely paid for and they take around $250 from my account every month on the 15th. I don't have it...soooo... be generous if you can, or if you know anyone that can feel free to share the link! His facebook page is here: Dasan to DC!

I've been riding my bike around everywhere lately and it feels good. Tomorrow we're going to a birthday party and we get to swim! Love it.

Swimming with the fishes...

Sometimes when I'm in the shower I turn the water on really cold and pretend like I'm in a swimming pool. I miss swimming. I don't know how my mom did it when I was a kid, but we always had somewhere to swim. Either a beach or a pool. My kid can't really swim very well and I could swim before I could walk. My mom says that she just tossed me overboard and made me fend for myself because she was always afraid of what would happen if we got caught in a storm. We lived on a boat for the first year of my life. When she got pregnant with my brother we stopped living on the boat and after my dad was lost at sea, I'm pretty sure she didn't just toss my brother overboard, but he still could swim at a pretty young age. I remember she used to be a lifeguard at some pool that we would swim at when we were super little. I think by that time she had married my step dad. It might even have been at the hot springs near Julian, CA. We were such weird, tanned, water babies. Whenever someone asks what animal I would most like to be I say some kind of swimming animal. Like a dolphin. Or a shark. Or a giant whale. Or a manatee.

Anyway I really want to go swimming.

Today I am having Creme Brulee ice cream and a glass of wine for breakfast because I'm a grown up.

Energy, I need you.

I have been sick and mopey for days now. It's just silly. I need a job like crazy and it's getting really depressing. I have to book Dasan's tickets to DC and it's going to totally wipe me out. Plus I have to go to the dentist before I die of a tooth infection like the ancients. So basically this time next week I will have exactly zero dollars to my name and no foreseeable income. Horrifying. I'm hoping for a small miracle. I'm really kind of hoping that the self proclaimed "lesbian friendly sperm bank" calls me. That would be super interesting... wish me luck with all this. I need it.